


Leaving You Is Loving You

by Crossroads_Blues



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 15:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17984135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crossroads_Blues/pseuds/Crossroads_Blues
Summary: Castiel realizes that his connection with Dean is a threat to Dean's life and decides to deal with it, once and for all, to keep Dean safe. Based on a prompt "If you leave now, you lose everything!"





	Leaving You Is Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the lovely @huntersociopathavenger's challenge on Tumblr, and it's late (real life has demands) but I sincerely hope you like it! My prompt was "If you leave now, you lose everything!"

 

Castiel groaned as one of the angels flung him against the wall. He promptly sliced the attacker with his angel blade, not doing much harm, however and proceeded to punch the angel in the face, breaking free from his bond. Just as he was making his final break out of the tavern, which inadvertently became a battlefield between him and a faction of rogue angels with apparent orders to capture him, somebody hit him bluntly on the back of his head and somebody’s foreign grace encompassed his mind, sedating him. He blacked out, even before his body hit the floor.

He woke up because of pain and because of a rough female voice calling out his name. The angel blinked and slowly opened his eyes adjusting to the light. After a quick look around the room the angel concluded that he was held in some sort of basement with grey featureless walls and floor and something looking suspiciously like a blood stain in one of the corners. In front of him was a metal door with scratched surface and on his right was a big, what he assumed to be window, which was now covered by dirty used-to-be-beige blinds. The angel himself was chained to a chair with iron chains with angel-binding sigils etched into them. Castiel sighed. Captured, yet again.

“Castiel!” Rough female voice returned and now Castiel was sure that it wasn’t a hallucination. Someone very real was standing behind him and calling out his name.    
“That… that would be me,” coughed out angel.

“I damn well know it’s you.” Castiel heard high heels clacking on the floor behind him and soon a woman walked out from behind him. She was wearing a grey striped pant suit with slightly unbuttoned blue shirt and she appeared to be in her mid fifties. 

“My name is Dina,” she said as she knelt beside him to be at eye level with him.

“Angel, I presume,” noted Castiel. 

Dina nodded. “A pathetic one, I should say. Weakened, with no wings, stranded on Earth. And who’s fault is that?” With a hoarse laugh, Dina stared into Castiel’s eyes.

The angel furrowed his brows and exhaled irritatedly. “Is this about the Fall? That was a year ago and I think we established that I didn’t make the angels fall! And Heaven is open, by the way!”

Dina laughed again and her laugh sounded rotten. “What’s up there isn’t Heaven. It’s a miserable copy of what was before the Fall.”

“Before the Fall there was a dictatorship!” grunted Castiel, tugging at his restraints.

“And that's how it was meant to be!” through her teeth spit out Dina, every word fizzling with venom.

“Well, what do you want from me now?” yelled Castiel.

Dina narrowed her eyes. “I want the names of every angel and their vessel that is running things up there. I want to know my targets and I’m sure you know all of them. And I want to know where you base your operations on Earth.”

“And why would you think I will just give it to you?” hissed the angel, furrowing his brows.

Dima gave him a weird look and smiled slyly. “I have ways to make you comply.”

“What do you-“

With one quick movement Dina opened the blinds on the window, revealing a window behind it.

“Oh no…” gasped the angel as he perceived what was behind the window. Behind the window was Dean, tied to a chair, just as he was, but Dean was already covered in blood and bruises. He was tortured, with horror realised the angel. Castiel gagged. 

“I presume you two  know each other,” in a sweet song-alike tone murmured Dina just above his right ear.

“You…” Castiel found himself speechless. Everything inside him  _ screamed.  _ Dean was hurt because of him. For the first time in years he found it hard to breathe. 

“He has nothing to do with this.” Castiel saw red.

Dina laughed. “Why of course he does. I need your precious boyfriend-” Dina raised her eyebrows, noticing Castiel’s confused face “-oh yes, everyone’s aware of your connection - to make you talk.”

Castiel squinted his eyes shut for a second. “Dina, don’t do this, we can work it out-”

He was interrupted by the sight of another angel entering the room with Dean and slicing his cheek with knife. The angel moved so fast that Castiel didn’t even have time to say anything. He didn’t hear Dean’s cry of pain, but he definitely saw Dean’s brows shoot up and hunter’s eys squinting shut, as Dean flinched. Castiel wondered whether the angels even told Dean why they were hurting him… or whether he will have to tell Dean later once all of this was over.

“And you know what, Castiel? He knows exactly that we’re cutting, stabbing and punching him because his boyfriend wouldn’t spill the tea,” off-handedly mentioned Dina from somewhere behind Castiel.

“Let him go. You have me,” grunted Castiel.

“I have the box, to which he-” Dina gestured towards the window, “-is the key. It is known that you will do anything for the Winchesters, especially for the older one. Such a cute couple you are. So what it’s gonna be, Castiel? We got a deal?”

Castiel was on the verge of spilling all information just for Dean to be let go. And he realised that it was incredibly egotistical and selfish of him, to sacrifice everything for one person, but he couldn’t have it any other way. It was Dean. 

And then something almost magical happened. Just as Castiel opened his mouth to agree to Dina’s demands, he felt a small crack in the right handcuff. Acting in a split second, Castiel pulled his hand up and to his right, breaking free of the bond, taking Dina by surprise. He dodged her attack with a blade and flung her against the wall, and considered charging on her but then realised that the angels might kill Dean if he kills Dina so instead he leapt up, crashing through the window into the room Dean was kept in, slamming the angel guarding him into the door, stealing his blade and effectively killing him with it. He then rushed to barely conscious Dean, hurriedly untying his wrists before Dina regained her strength.

“Cas?” mumbled Dean, trying to get up.

“I’m so sorry, baby, “ muttered Castiel, scooping Dean up and rushing out of the room onto the staircase. An angel charged in on them, but Castiel quickly deflected his attack and stabbed him with an angel blade. Castiel ran as fast as he possibly could up the stairs, holding Dean’s unconscious body in his hands. Slamming on the metal door at the end of the staircase, Castiel found himself in the dark alley behind a towering building. Castiel glanced back and saw Dina two more angels rushing after him. Being careful not to accidentally hurt Dean, he cradled him closer and decided to make a run for it. Around the building there was an old pick-up truck, and Castiel, without much hesitation, rushed towards it. Castiel thanked all deities and cosmic beings that it wasn’t locked,  put Dean into the backseat, taking off his trenchcoat in the process and stuffing it under Dean’s head and himself got into the driver’s seat. Putting what Dean had taught him to use, he hot wired the truck with shaking hands and slammed the gas pedal. The angel breathing became rapid and shallow as he tried to steady out his hands on the wheel. Making a sharp turn, he drove the truck out of the alley, as the wheels gave out a cringy screeching sound and the saloon filled with smell of burnt rubber. Castiel clenched his jaw and hit the gas pedal once more, as he drove the track through the crammed roads, fenced by askew buildings from both sides, towards the main road. He didn’t stop until he was at least 10 kilometres away. He pulled over, glancing back to make sure he wasn’t being followed and rushed outside and opened the backseat. Dean was still unconscious, so Castiel carefully placed a hand on his forehead, brushing outside unruly dirty blonde hair and commanded his grace to flow through and fix the damage done to the hunter. After a couple of seconds, Dean’s eyes flung open, as he inhaled deeply and woke up.

“Cas?” he said, grabbing onto the angel for support and sitting up. 

“Yeah,” shortly said the angel, helping Dean to get into the passenger’s seat of the truck.

“Son of a bitch grabbed me from back entrance of the diner,”  grumbled the hunter, as Castiel got into the driver’s seat. “Thanks for healing me up by the way.”   
“Dean,” tiredly said Castiel, turning to face the hunter, “I’m so sorry. They did such horrible things to you and all because of me.”

The hunter gave Castiel an exhausted smile. “It’s fine. I’ve been through worse. Plus, you saved me. That’s what matters.”

Castiel lingered for a second, then pulled Dean closer and wrapped his arms around the hunter, leaning in for a kiss. Dean’s lips still tasted a bit metallic from blood, but Castiel didn’t care. He was just glad Dean was okay and that Dean was still even willing to be with him after all the torture he endured because of Castiel. And in that moment, it hit him. Castiel realised what exactly he had to do in order to keep his hunter safe.

* * *

 

“This was never going to work,” mused Castiel, sitting alone in a featureless 2004 Toyota Corolla. His Lincoln was very recognisable and Castiel decided that would like to go unnoticed for this. He stared at the nameless motel in front of him with nothing to distinguish it from other building other than a neon red sign. It’s been two days since Dean’s abduction and near death and the angel spent those two days in conflicted thoughts. He concluded that there was no other way and he had to do what he had to do. That’s why in that morning he was sitting in front of that motel, about to make perhaps the hardest choice in his life.

A door of the motel flung open, tearing angel out of his train of thought and he saw Sam leaving in his tracksuit for his usual 5 am jog. Rising sun was playing on the windows of the motel, as the younger  Winchester made his way down to the street, not noticing Castiel. The brothers were on a case, so Sam shifted in his usual case-routine: after his jog, he would probably go the closest food joint, grab a salat for him and a sandwich for Dean, and surf the web for research on the case until Dean would show up at the diner. Which means Castiel had an hour at most alone with Dean.

Castiel waited for Sam to leave the parking of motel and got out of the car. He exhaled and on shaking legs walked towards the door of the motel. He hesitated at the door for a brief moment, but proceeded to knock twice. Better now than later. 

“Who’s there?” hoarsely and rather angrily replied the older Winchester from behind the door.

“It’s me. Castiel,” replied the angel.

The door creaked as the hunter with a sleepy glare stuck his head outside. “What are you doing here, sugar? I thought you were still sorting it out in Heaven.”

“I uh- We need to talk.” Castiel made his way inside motel room, noting that the flannel the hunter threw on to open the door was still unbuttoned.

“Of course, Cas, what about?” Dean beckoned the angel in, wrapping his arms around him in the process and kissing the angel on the cheek. Castiel felt his heart plunge, because he knew what he had to do and that made every cell inside him ache.

“It’s about our relationship.”

Dean furrowed his brows, casting a concerned look at the angel, as he headed to the night table and grabbed a half finished bottle of beer from there.  “What is it, buttercup?” he said, settling on the bed. 

The angel inhaled deeply and decided that it was for the better good. “Dean… What was between us… That could never work. We could never work.”

Dean froze. “What do you mean? Is it- is it something I did?”

Castiel swallowed a traitorous lump in his throat. “No, Dean-”

“Then I wasn’t enough for you? Is that it, Cas? I wasn’t good enough?” The hunter stood up and started pacing in circles around the motel room.

Castiel caught him by his shoulders and pulled him close. “You were more than enough, but-”

“I’m not your type?” Dean shook his head in confusion, furrowing his brows. He exhaled slowly, collecting himself and closing his eyes for a second. “Where did I go wrong?”   
Castiel bit his lip. Everything inside him hurt. Dean’s eyes were becoming wet and seeing the hunter cry over something that wasn’t his fault, but was Castiel’s made the angel want to disappear. “You didn’t,” said Castiel, finally managing to get the words back under control. 

“Then why are you saying that you have to go?” Dean tried to wrap his arms around the angel, but the latter one pulled away.

“Because look where it got us!” Castiel abstractly waved his hand around the room.

“I don’t understand-”

“You were nearly killed because of me! Our- our relationship, our bond that we share, it’s a- it’s a, a…” The angel stuttered, looking for the right way to put it, but Dean was quicker than him to catch on to his train of thought.   
“A liability.” The word sounded like a stone thrown at a glass wall, shuttering it in pieces. “I’m a liability.”

Castiel’s lips narrowed into a thin straight line. “They were using you as leverage.”

“And you’re scared that next time we won’t be so lucky and we wouldn’t break out and you would actually have to give them what they want in exchange for me?” It was Dean now who stepped back.

“No-” The hunter didn’t let Castiel finish.

“And you can’t have that, can you?”

“That’s not what I meant-” tried to intervene the angel, but Dean wasn’t listening, as he was back to pacing around the room.

“Hell, it makes sense,” he mumbled on his way, not stopping moving for a second, “You’re fighting a friggin’ civil war, and giving out info every time I get captured is- is- is bad strategy!”

“It’s not what I meant!” yelled angel to interrupt Dean, who stopped dead in his tracks and gave the angel a weird long look.

“Then what did you mean?” he asked in a contemplative, alienated way, that was so unusual for Castiel to hear.    
“You could get killed,” quietly said the angel, sitting down on the bed.

“Because they would fail to get what they want from you and they would actually proceed to their threats?” Dean’s forehead covered with tiny droplets of sweat, as he ran his hand through his hair.

“You’re twisting my words again, Dean. They might kill you just to… prove a point to me, without even asking for anything in return.”   
“Is that so?” Dean collapsed in the chair, opposite Castiel.

Castiel furrowed his brows with a tilt of his head. “Of course it is!” he said in a raised tone, standing up. “I would give everything-” he emphasized this word with a rise in his voice- “for you. There isn’t a thing that I wouldn’t do for you.”

Dean blinked slowly, processing angel’s words. Then, he slowly rose from the chair and stood next to Castiel, stood painfully close, stood as if preparing for the kiss, which wouldn’t happen now, thanks to Castiel.

“Then stay. Stay for me. Don’t go,” finally said the hunter, with tears in his eyes and Castiel felt his grace rushing painfully through every inch of his body, feeling his body ache with pain that was non-existent, but it didn’t make it feel any less real.   
“I can’t do that, Dean,” softly said the angel, as he started walking towards the door. “They would never stop coming for you,” he said on his way out of the motel room.

The angel opened the door, letting a large current of wind flowing into the room, sending papers flying all around the room. He didn’t notice that the weather worsened during his talk with Dean, that it was raining outside. Growls of thunder filled the room, as Castiel’s trenchcoat flew behind him almost like a cape. 

“If you leave now, you lose everything!” yelled Dean, trying to be louder than the thunder. “You hear me, Cas? Everything!”

The angiel tilted his head and looked back just for a second, trying to etch Dean’s face into his memory. “I’m sorry.”

The door shut behind the angel. 

Outside was storming. Castiel spied Sam returning early from his jog and hurried to the car. Sam already noticed him, but the angel was faster. He started his car and drove by completely confused Sam, who shouted something at him, but Castiel ignored him.

He didn’t stop until he was 50 miles away from that motel. He nearly got into an accident at least twice during his voyage. Stopping his car in the middle of nowhere, Castiel got out of the vehicle and sat on the hood of the car, not paying any attention to heavy rain. And in that moment he discovered something new about his species, something he was unaware for at least billions of years. He didn’t know angels could cry. 

* * *

 

Dean sighed, inhaled and stepped down from the porch of the bar he spent last hour in. Sam was in the motel, doing research on the case they’d been working for the last 2 days  and Dean was intending to join him, maybe after going for a quick drive. It was raining, and even though Dean usually liked rain, it helped him think, he had grown to hate it as it was reminding him of that early morning 5 months ago. Dean cringed at the memory and headed towards the Impala, kicking up gravel on the ground. He was just reaching out for the key in his pocket, when somebody hit him with something heavy on the side of his head, effectively knocking him out. 

Dean came to his senses in a grey featureless and familiar basement. If his head wasn’t pounding like a thousand devils had partied in there, he might have even rolled his eyes. 

“You guys are dicks,” he shouted out to nobody in particular. 

He was partially angry at himself, getting captured twice by the same captors felt embarrassing. And the other half of him that wasn’t screaming with frustration was screaming with fear, with anticipation of pain. Pain he didn’t deserve, pain he could do nothing to stop. 

Abruptly he heard the  squeaky sound of the door behind him opening.  Slow clicking of heels on the stone floor did nothing to relieve Dean’s fear and aggravated his anger. He remembered too damn well who was the owner of the footsteps.

“Hey Dean,” said Dina in a soft voice as she appeared from his right and knelt beside him. In her hand she was holding an angel blade and in her other hand to Dean’s horror there was a small hammer. Behind her two angels in suits appeared, moving silently like snakes. Dean felt himself shiver.

“I don’t know if you got the memo, but I haven’t seen Cas for 5 months now,” said Dean, trying to make his voice sound the usual level of snarkiness and confidence, despite growing panic in his chest. 

Dina smirked.  “I haven’t seen him in 5 months either.  But it’s not him that is the reason for this.” 

She stood up and slowly started to circle around Dean, the sound of her high heels echoing around the room. “At this point I just wanna murder you for purely selfish reasons. I’m tired of chasing cold leads. Might as well get me some entertainment in between. Plus your death might attract our wayward angel,” she murmured as she slid her finger across the edge of the angel blade.   
Dean felt everything inside him squirm. It wasn’t the first time Dean was threatened with death, but this time, the bad guy seemed done with monologuing way before someone could swoop in and fix the situation. Abruptly the floor beneath Dean’s fit trembled. Dean, torn out of his thoughts cast a concerned look at Dina. “Is this you or should we  be worried?”

Dina furrowed her brows but didn’t reply, just motioned to two other angels to check it out. As they headed towards the door, a force threw them back into the walls, as the door flung open. Light bulbs burst into millions pieces, as the entire room went into darkness and shook one more time with a growl of thunder. Dean heard a slight clinking of metal, as a small ray of light reflected on Dina’s now bared angel blade. The room was deadly silent.

“Show yourself!” yelled Dina. “No need to fight in the dark like cowards!”

“Very well,” said a quiet hoarse voice, a voice that Dean would recognise from millions. 

As the lightning lit up the room, a pair of magnificent - damaged, but magnificent - wings appeared on the wall, as Castiel emerged from the darkness. His eyes were glowing blue, so bright that it was almost blinding and his trenchcoat was flying behind him in the wind.

“Make a move and I’ll kill him,” hissed Dina, holding a blade to Dean’s throat. Dean felt the coldness of metal just below his chin as he tried to lean back away from the blade.

“No, you won’t,” calmly said Castiel.

Dean felt the blade clatter into his lap, as Dina lit up from inside out and a soft sound of a blade entering flesh was heard. As the corpse of the angel collapsed on the floor, Sam, who apparently was the one to kill Dina, rushed to Dean from behind and started untying his wrists. “God, Dean, are you okay?” Sam hurriedly freed Dean’ right wrist

“Yeah, she didn’t even have time to touch me, you guys came on time,” grunted Dean, as he with Sam’s assistance freed his left wrist.    
“Phew, thank god.” Sam helped Dean up and they started to head towards the door, when Dean stopped dead in his tracks.

“Where is Cas? How did he leave so quickly?” muttered Dean, gazing around the room.   
Sam hesitated with the answer. “When you didn’t show up at the motel til morning, I called him to help me get you back. He agreed, but said that he wouldn’t stick around afterwards.”

Dean rubbed the nape of his neck. “Gone with the wind,” muttered the older hunter.

Sam furrowed his brows and gave his brother a concerned look. “Dean-”

“Tsh! Don’t say it, I’m fine. Let’s just go,” sharply said Dean and opened the door, pushing aside the corpses of angels with burnt-out eyes.

* * *

 

Dean woke up in the middle of the night. No wonder, he slept terribly after he was the only one in the bed. It took him around an hour to fall asleep after he and Sam returned to the motel near which Dean was kidnapped. They had taken two separate rooms on that trip due to having some… disagreements on their way there, so there was nothing and nobody to distract him and that fueled his insomnia. Dean sighed and stared at the ceiling, when he noticed something with side-vision. A figure, a painfully familiar figure, was sitting on the bedside near him. 

“Cas?” sleepily grunted the hunter, recognising the blue eyes that shone bright even in the dark.  “You came back.” The angel flinched, taken by surprise by Dean’s awakening. 

“I wasn’t- I was just-” Castiel hurriedly got up and headed outside of the door.

“Wait,” called out Dean behind him. “Don’t go just yet.”

Castiel stopped. His shoulders flinched, as he hesitantly turned around and slowly walked back, perching himself up on the very edge of the bed. “Yes?” asked the angel in a tired tone, with a slight voice break in the middle.

‘You were right, they did try to kill me,” said Dean, not knowing how to start the talk, but not willing to let the angel go just yet. He wasn’t angry at the Castiel, deep inside he knew exactly what the angel meant  when he said that it was dangerous for them to be together. And the angel did turn out to be right after all.

“I’m usually right.” Castiel avoided eye contact with the hunter. Nothing was heard in the room for the next couple of seconds.

“And you came and saved me,” continued his sentence Dean. His mind became clearer and clearer, sleep fading away.

“Well, me and Sam came and saved you. It wasn’t just me-,” said Castiel, furrowing his brows and slightly narrowing his eyes.

“Not my point,” cut him off Dean. “Cas,-” Dean grabbed the angel’s hand, making the latter one focus his attention on him, “-this is exactly what I was talking about. Any connections in this line of the work are a risk and we are liabilities for each other and the bad guys know it, but we get over it every time. And Cas, I need you.” Dean’s green eyes became slightly wet. “I need you so frigging much. These last 5 months been hell without you. And I can’t live without you. And you know what, Cas? I’d die for you any day. Because I know you’d do the same. So if you want to go, go. But just know that, what I went through today? I’ll go through worse for you.”

Castiel exhaled loudly and sat on the bed near Dean. “Dean-”

“No, Cas, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna hear the “they’ll never stop coming for you” speech again. Because I damn well know they won’t. But I’ll choose life with you over anything. So if you decide to come back, I’ll welcome you.”

Castiel hesitatingly looked directly at Dean for the first time since the hunter woke up. “I just want you to be safe, Dean.”

“And I just want to be with you. And I am not going to let you walk away another time,” shortly said Dean and patted the bed near him. “Come here.”

Castiel’s eyes lit up. “Dean, I’m so sorry. This should’ve been your choice-”

“Shh,” stopped him Dean, “Don’t apologise. You did what you did for me. Now come here.”

Castiel lingered for a second but then with a smile took off his trench coat, pants and blazer, throwing them in the corner of the room  and climbed under the sheets with Dean.

“Thank you,” murmured Castiel as he threw his arm over Dean, feeling familiar warmness beside him. Maybe their relationship was dangerous. Maybe they were liabilities for each other. Maybe they were constantly risking anything. But in that moment Castiel felt like he was the happiest angel to ever exist in any dimension. And he made a silent vow to himself to not throw it all away. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please do leave kudos and comment! No harsh critique or hate, please.


End file.
